The Truth

I sit on my usual stool writing this post now with a heart that may possibly well be heavier than yours - if my words and my actions pained you, then you can least expect it has pained me twice as heavy, and keeping them all from you has been the biggest chunk of it all. I pause for a short moments as I consider my thoughts and my jury of minds stage a madhouse in my brain. It's enough to bring me to tears.

I've intended to yet conceal this again within a flurry of words only the writer in me could possibly bring to reality. But you're right, things are best kept in the open rather than left in the dark. Maybe it's something I've been missing and losing for the past few days. I've tried hiding the darkness - the nightmare - in a curtain of smiles and amusement, maybe because I know it's the web and it won't hurt to hide it until it passes away. Then you'd worry about nothing next time we meet or talk again. But I couldn't possibly live a lie for a long while, not when my problems seem to have no end at all.

Yes, I might have told you that the problems might have abated, but I figured as less. Like a tide washing in the shoreline, they just receded then came back with an even greater splurge. I do not wish to pain you or burden you any further with what's troubling my mind, because I don't want you to hate someone in my behalf. We both saw the consequence of that happening, and I don't want it to happen again. But of course you have to know eventually - and well, in a nutshell, it's mostly school, home, and me.

School. You are aware of the effort I put up with always at school and just the fact that I am constantly tormented by what I had experienced last December doesn't lighten matters. It's one place where I don't think I can reconcile easily, and I am sure you are aware of that.

Home. I've told you the problems at home have receded in a compromise, but after that conversation everything went upside down as I was left to ponder on a thought that now pits both interests in the balance. The fact that I really can never win an argument at home infuriates me and leaves me dwelling on it more than on other happier and more interesting things.

Me. Yes, me. I do not wish to tell of this, as I am sure this is the worst I could possibly bring. All this time, with the two issues above combining and prying my brains open, containing the third isn't proving to be an easy task anymore, and sometimes it leads to unexpected spillouts that I attempt to quell with the sanity that I still have. I do not wish to be troubled as a mad person, but perhaps it is the flaw of those who are, in what other people view, "smart". They have too much to think of and sometimes get lost in it, be it their miseries or their joys.

In my case, the volume of the two problems that had sunk in my mind seemed to have blocked out the traces of the happiness inside me and contained them in a prison that only gets several moments of being set free. And weird enough, they sink in at their worst at night, the only time I've got for being online. For being with my other circle of friends. For being with you.

It pains me that I end up in a non-talkative mood at night as the problems race around in my head, even before sleep. And the fact that you are missing the moments of days back when we were animatedly chatting makes things all the more burdensome for me since I can't even bring my fingers to write a sentence or a paragraph. Well not this time, I suppose. My own tactlessness has brought things to this erroneous point. I know I'm wrong. Very wrong.

One thing remains clear to me all this time, and it's what keeps me writing and responding even if my insides are strangling my brains into submission and silence. I know I still love you, and that's the only shred of hope that I've clung into, keeping me from falling into the abyss of my miseries and woes. Time and time again the devil has visited me and tried convincing me that the love has dissipated but I've done my best to repel the thoughts because I know I still love you, and nothing will make me change that.

My words earlier might have sounded a bit harsh, and I'll admit I was tactless to say it. It's just that I am asking for you to bear with me until the misery dissipates and the sun shines on my life again - maybe if things work out well enough for me by the turn of the month. Sure, it's a long shot of days, but I'll try my best to bring myself to speed whenever you're there waiting for me. I might not be on a communicative mood, but I'm listening all the same. I haven't shut myself up completely, and I definitely won't on you.

I'm sorry for hurting you like this, I know you don't deserve it. I do, I suppose, but you don't, and the fact that you might have cried several times before and after this makes things even more unsettling for me, since I don't want you of all people to cry, especially on something I've done in err.

I'm heading off to bed, praying that this all somehow reaches a resolution by tomorrow. And well, I'm not enjoying this kind of silence. Deep inside, it might have been what my misery-filled mind wanted, but the remaining part of me consumed by my own dark thoughts says otherwise. I guess I'll have to win this war out in me... *sigh*

The Vampiric Chronicles Part 23: The Nightmare

This may appear as a shock when reading, it might appear a little serious, but please hear me out, especially the end part... *sigh*

Weeks passed by uneventfully and as each day passed by over the Manor, a shadow descended upon John, eating away on his mind and consuming him in a daze he had never experienced before. At first it appeared like an ordinary illness, a headache that would be gone by the morning, but as the days grew into weeks and spawned months along the way, it felt as if the shadow had sunk into his mind.

Afraid of letting the shadow get the best of him, John fought in the earlier days of its manifestation, fighting back his emotions and thoughts to make sure he will not be in danger of causing harm to his companions at home. While some of his friends suspected his actions, none of them had any hint as to his real condition. No, not even the witch, Sandra, knew of it. John knew that the impact of her knowing would be too great. No, he attempted to resolve it himself. In the past few days he had grown quite unstable that he had to shun himself in his bedroom chamber, refusing food and drink from the servants and sleeping earlier than expected.

Such a worsening condition definitely passed with suspicion inside the house, and one evening Tom decided to pay the vampire a visit in his chambers. While Sandra, Mark, and Paul were talking about that as well over dinner, the young warlock opted to find things out from the vampire himself.

"Sir John?" Tom asked, lightly tapping the door with his fingers.

"Leave me be." came John's voice from inside.

"Sir John, is anything the matter? You have refused food and drink for the past few days. I do not believe you are to be left alone."

There was silence for several minutes until John suddenly said, "Come in..."

Without hesitation, the warlock entered John's chamber and almost gasped in shock - the whole room was in disarray!

"Tread carefully around the broken shards of wood and glass." John said. He had a stiff voice as he sat on his now half-wrecked four-poster bed, his back turned on the warlock. Tom looked at the floor, and here and there lay battered and shattered remnants of wooden chairs and the wall mirror.

"Wh-what has happened with you, Sir John?!" Tom cried. "Are you feeling well? You have not turned to a werewolf, have you?"

"Be sensible for once, boy." John snapped at him. "I am already a vampire. How could I possibly turn into a werewolf as well?"

"Oh, um, y-yes. I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter. Sit down and tell me what you want."

John's voice was cold and commanding, but Tom sensed that he was fighting a snappy retort. Curious, interested, and afraid at the same time, the young warlock pulled up a chair in front of John and sat down. The vampire had his head rested on his hands, clutching his hair tightly like as if he had a bad headache.

"Sir, what has been troubling you these past few days?" Tom asked. "Sir Mark is worried, and Lady Sandra is even more, I..."

"Sandra..." John said. "N-no... she must not know of this..."

"S-Sir John?"

And John suddenly burst into tears.

"T-Tom..." John said, turning two teary eyes at the young warlock. "I've loved Sandra with all my life, you know that. It is she who made my miserable existence complete in many details and has shed me some hope in my grim world. But... but now, I... I cannot explain what is happening to me!"

"Tell me, Sir John. Maybe I can help you."

"Y-yes, maybe you can... but please hear me out. I do not know what has befallen me, but I can't take this anymore, not on them, on you, nor on anyone else... I... I feel so muted, and lifeless..."

"Lifeless...?"

"Like as if I've lost myself completely. You know how I was before this... this nightmare settled in on me. Right now I can't even bring myself to words when I talk to her, and her piercing words and eyes make me all the more guilty that I cannot even bring myself to talk to her!"

"B-but why can't you?"

"I don't know! Don't ask me... even I don't have the answer... all this time I've tried concealing myself by trying to act normal, but my mind can't take it anymore... I've been snapping up lately and I know I can't take this anymore..."

"H-how did this happen...?"

"I do not know as well... one thing is for sure: this will continue manifesting within me, and I know in due time I won't be able to stop this, not unless I am left be for a while."

"B-but that is..."

"Y-yes, I know." John choked, now burying his face in his hands. "I cannot even bring myself anymore to the horror of thinking of all of your reactions if I am to do that, but please tell them for me, Tom. I don't know for how long this may take, for I need to exterminate this nightmare by myself."

"I... I will, but S-sir John, you cannot continue like this forever...!"

"I understand that... I just need time... the overwhelming burden of this nightmare is consuming my mind completely and I do not want to suddenly break down in front of them. No, I will sort this out by myself."

"How do we know if you have done away with it?"

"Healing may perhaps not be immediate. I even doubt a witch's brew or a warlock's spell could possibly reverse this effect, but I will try to clear my mind and when those times come I'll probably be more communicative and lively, but not permanently until I can completely rid myself of this illness."

"I, I understand, Sir John. No matter what happens, we will remain by your side. Rest assured I will tell them what ails you."

"Please, do not make them worry. I do not want them to be troubled about me. I just need to find some time and space to myself... I pray they understand."

"I'm sure they will, sir."

"Th-thank you, Tom..."

Tom patted John on the back, then quietly went out of the chamber, leaving the vampire to his musings.

I... I'm sorry... I know there will be an end to this, but perhaps not too soon... the problems, the trouble, the stress, and everything else are currently colliding and I can't stem them fully, eating away on my nicer side. I hope everyone understands :(