The Truth

I sit on my usual stool writing this post now with a heart that may possibly well be heavier than yours - if my words and my actions pained you, then you can least expect it has pained me twice as heavy, and keeping them all from you has been the biggest chunk of it all. I pause for a short moments as I consider my thoughts and my jury of minds stage a madhouse in my brain. It's enough to bring me to tears.

I've intended to yet conceal this again within a flurry of words only the writer in me could possibly bring to reality. But you're right, things are best kept in the open rather than left in the dark. Maybe it's something I've been missing and losing for the past few days. I've tried hiding the darkness - the nightmare - in a curtain of smiles and amusement, maybe because I know it's the web and it won't hurt to hide it until it passes away. Then you'd worry about nothing next time we meet or talk again. But I couldn't possibly live a lie for a long while, not when my problems seem to have no end at all.

Yes, I might have told you that the problems might have abated, but I figured as less. Like a tide washing in the shoreline, they just receded then came back with an even greater splurge. I do not wish to pain you or burden you any further with what's troubling my mind, because I don't want you to hate someone in my behalf. We both saw the consequence of that happening, and I don't want it to happen again. But of course you have to know eventually - and well, in a nutshell, it's mostly school, home, and me.

School. You are aware of the effort I put up with always at school and just the fact that I am constantly tormented by what I had experienced last December doesn't lighten matters. It's one place where I don't think I can reconcile easily, and I am sure you are aware of that.

Home. I've told you the problems at home have receded in a compromise, but after that conversation everything went upside down as I was left to ponder on a thought that now pits both interests in the balance. The fact that I really can never win an argument at home infuriates me and leaves me dwelling on it more than on other happier and more interesting things.

Me. Yes, me. I do not wish to tell of this, as I am sure this is the worst I could possibly bring. All this time, with the two issues above combining and prying my brains open, containing the third isn't proving to be an easy task anymore, and sometimes it leads to unexpected spillouts that I attempt to quell with the sanity that I still have. I do not wish to be troubled as a mad person, but perhaps it is the flaw of those who are, in what other people view, "smart". They have too much to think of and sometimes get lost in it, be it their miseries or their joys.

In my case, the volume of the two problems that had sunk in my mind seemed to have blocked out the traces of the happiness inside me and contained them in a prison that only gets several moments of being set free. And weird enough, they sink in at their worst at night, the only time I've got for being online. For being with my other circle of friends. For being with you.

It pains me that I end up in a non-talkative mood at night as the problems race around in my head, even before sleep. And the fact that you are missing the moments of days back when we were animatedly chatting makes things all the more burdensome for me since I can't even bring my fingers to write a sentence or a paragraph. Well not this time, I suppose. My own tactlessness has brought things to this erroneous point. I know I'm wrong. Very wrong.

One thing remains clear to me all this time, and it's what keeps me writing and responding even if my insides are strangling my brains into submission and silence. I know I still love you, and that's the only shred of hope that I've clung into, keeping me from falling into the abyss of my miseries and woes. Time and time again the devil has visited me and tried convincing me that the love has dissipated but I've done my best to repel the thoughts because I know I still love you, and nothing will make me change that.

My words earlier might have sounded a bit harsh, and I'll admit I was tactless to say it. It's just that I am asking for you to bear with me until the misery dissipates and the sun shines on my life again - maybe if things work out well enough for me by the turn of the month. Sure, it's a long shot of days, but I'll try my best to bring myself to speed whenever you're there waiting for me. I might not be on a communicative mood, but I'm listening all the same. I haven't shut myself up completely, and I definitely won't on you.

I'm sorry for hurting you like this, I know you don't deserve it. I do, I suppose, but you don't, and the fact that you might have cried several times before and after this makes things even more unsettling for me, since I don't want you of all people to cry, especially on something I've done in err.

I'm heading off to bed, praying that this all somehow reaches a resolution by tomorrow. And well, I'm not enjoying this kind of silence. Deep inside, it might have been what my misery-filled mind wanted, but the remaining part of me consumed by my own dark thoughts says otherwise. I guess I'll have to win this war out in me... *sigh*